When red hot love turns green

by Clea Guy-Allen

We have all been there. That dreaded phone call you have the mind not to pick up, but you do anyway. If you don’t, you know it will only make things worse. Your friends look at you as if to say" “again, really?” raising their eyebrows while raising their drinks.

So you pick up: “Where are you?” Even though you have said this already, you repeat your location. “Who are you with?” This is a hard one as new people have arrived since the last time you spoke and you know they aren’t going to like it, but what do you do?

Do you tell a white lie to make them happy and risk the fallout later or do you tell the truth and hope they took on board what you said the last time this happened?

Everyone will have to deal with jealousy at some point in their life, either through having a partner who is jealous, or worse, you yourself being the jealous one.

Both sexes experience jealousy in romantic relationships. The idea that women are the only ones to turn into green-eyed monsters has sprung mainly from portrayals in popular culture and films such as Fatal Attraction, which coined the term ‘bunny boiler’. The only difference between men and women when it comes to this particular anxiety is where it stems from.

Jealousy experts

According to David Buss, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at the University of Texas, jealousy is all down to basic human nature. It is well known that women are less likely to forgive an affair of the heart than they are to forgive one of the loins, as it is well known that men tend to be the complete opposite.

Previously it was assumed that this was because men were too egotistical and women too emotional, but there is now some reason behind this old phrase.

Buss, in his book The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex, believes that jealousy has its roots in our reproductive past.

Since fertilisation takes place inside the female body, the ancestral man was unable to know whether he was, in fact, the real father of his children. As they didn’t have things such as paternity tests or Jeremy Kyle back in those days, the only way to be certain it was his gene pool being continued – and not that of somebody else – was to ward off any potential rivals.

Ancestral women however, had other problems. Their challenge was to continue to attract their partner so that he would stay and help to raise and protect the children. As painful as infidelity is, women have ulitmately always wanted to know, 'Do you love her?' because if a man forms a strong emotional attachment to another woman, he is more likely to abandon the relationship.

Although being in a relationship with a jealous partner can be exteremely stressful, think about how exhausting it is to be living with those insecurities.

Be understanding

If you truly care and want to be with your partner, there are things you can do to try to help. The BBC online relationship section suggests that rather than becoming defensive, try being understanding and supportive.

If you know that certain behaviours trigger your partner’s jealousy, try to change them, within reason. Don’t make promises you think will be unrealistic to keep because if you break them it will affect their confidence in you and in themselves.

Most importantly, be honest with them, because it is their lack of trust in you that fuels their insecurities about your relationship. with this in mind, have faith that they're working as hard to calm their anxieties as you are.