I became hooked on shopping channels

by Natalie King

British TV is having somewhat of a renaissance at the moment.

Brits have cleaned up in the International Emmys, the BBC iPlayer service gives us hundreds of hours of free, high-quality entertainment and the schedules are groaning with gritty dramas and slick documentaries.

Am I watching any of them? No, because I am addicted to trash TV.

I don’t know why I prefer bad TV to quality programming; perhaps because ‘good’ TV so often has the potential to disappoint. Watching something thoughtful and insightful demands that you use your brain, something that I have to do enough of during the day.

I have tried to enjoy the more intellectual offerings on the box. I watched some of Frozen Planet at the weekend, but as soon as the cute penguins were replaced by the rather less adorable musk ox, I found myself flicking over to Jersey Shore.

Attempt to watch Panorama

I attempt to watch Panorama every week, usually to be riveted by the quality journalism for approximately 15 minutes before reaching for the remote and watching some exploitative trash about people with drug addictions.

I blame my parents for being early adopters of cable TV. Suddenly, we were the only kids on the street to have access to over, gasp, 20 channels.

After watching Jerry Springer for the first time, the love affair began, I started to seek out worse and worse TV. I became hooked on shopping channels, bad TV movies and endless ‘reality’ crap.

Back to my love of Jersey Shore, this one truly is a mystery. I mean, technically Jersey Shore should count as a nature documentary.

It follows the mating patterns of a pack of spray-tanned, drunk, angry, stupid New Jersey residents, AKA ‘guidos’. Every week they either get a job and fuck it up royally, go to a club or start an argument so brain-numbing that it’s difficult for the average person to comprehend. But I can’t miss my Snooki-fix and I won’t damnit.

Shopping channel

My viewing of the shopping channels is something that particularly confounds my poor partner. I’ve never actually brought a single item, yet they endlessly fascinate me.

You see those counters at the side? Those are actual, real-life people buying these items. Last week I watched 20 minutes of a very camp guy trying to flog Santa snow globes to housewives, shut-ins and the demented.

He actually sold over 300 of the damn things. I watched as the names scrolled across the bottom, each one a tragic testament to a life spent acquiring ‘collectables’ from Bid TV.

It’s a bit like when you look at the names on a war memorial. There are so many that you can’t really take in the tragedy, but when you think about each individual entry you feel a real sense of sadness. It’s fascinating.

What’s the future of television if idiots like me are the main consumers? I worry that my bad habits may somehow skew the viewing figures and discourage those who make quality TV. I still want to see Unreported World, but it might have to wait til after Teen Mom is finished.